Posted on

PTSD Memories: The Body Always Remembers

Most of us have had feelings of nostalgia once in a while. We might see yellow school buses go by and think of our children long ago getting on the bus for the first time. Maybe it is when the weather changes, we remember our college days or hear an old song that reminds of times past. Sometimes we can’t remember exactly in detail the event, but our body and brain reminds us of that particular time in our lives.

When people experience a trauma, the body and brain also remember. People recovering from traumas can witness in themselves very intense feelings or ”memories” of the situation that occurred (Fisher, 2013). This onset is often triggered by any sensory experience: sight, smell, auditory, and so on.

What outsiders may not realize is that these emotions can be very scary and overwhelming. Everyone has heard that saying ”it is like riding a bike ’ you will remember what to do”. Well’this is the way the body is reminding the survivor — but it is the type of muscle memory one must learn to cope successfully with.

 

Some examples of experiences are: feelings of panic, apprehension, shame, depression, numbness, sense of abandonment, impulses to run or leave, self mutilation, shakiness, rapid heartbeat, and suicidal ideations. All of these reactions or feelings is the body’s way of remembering what happened. Very often, clients will say to me ’ ”I don’t really remember all the details”, ”there are lapses in my memory from growing up”. Yet, the body is recalling ’ communicating in feelings and behaviors.

Having this cognitive understanding, allows clients to begin strengthening their ability to tolerate this hyper or hypo arousal state that is so very uncomfortable (Fisher, 2013). They can then remind themselves they are in the present day. This helps build new muscle memory that the feelings – aka- the memories, can be tolerated with new coping skills. The goal is to change the default setting — to tolerance ’and hopefulness.

(Fisher, 2013)

Posted on

Squashing the Worry Bug

Do you have a child that worries? Does the anxiety get in the way of having fun, participating in activities, with friendships? Does your child have the following traits?

  • DemonstrateS excessive distress with crying, physical symptoms, sadness, anger etc.
  • Easily agitated or angry in stressful situations accompanied by stomach aches or headaches.
  • Needs repetitive reassurance to ”what if” concerns

These are just a few symptoms of children who worry excessively. There are few ways to combat anxiety and, at the same time, give your child the confidence to manage it. Tamar Chansky, PhD, author of ”Freeing your Child from Anxiety” has identified 5 steps in creating this management plan.

Empathize with your child what you are feeling:

  • Acknowledge what is going on with her. Don’t tell her not to worry, but reflect her feelings by saying: ”this seems so hard, so unfair”, ”this is making you so upset”…
  • Relabel the problem ’ give it a name.
  • This allows the child to determine what thoughts are from her worry voice and what she really THINKS.
  • Give it a name like ”worry bug”, make a puppet to remind her, or even draw pictures of it.

Rewire and Resist

  • Help her find the truth and not let the powerful feelings get in the way
  • Teach her to say things like ”my parents would never let me be in danger — I am not listening to you worry bug!”

Get the body on board

  • Slow the body down by counting, deep breaths, thinking of something that makes her happy and calm.
  • Remind your child that anxiety always passes

Refocus on what you want to do

  • Ask your child what she would be doing if she was not worrying? Then get into the activity ’ or something like it — the brain will follow but not the worry bug!

Reinforce your child’s efforts at fighting her worries!

  • Reward any behavior that demonstrates any coping, effort at beating this worry bug!
  • Change the reward after a partial goal is met

You can use these steps with children and adults at all ages, just adapt to their age and maturity level. Chansky and others believe that it takes about 2-3 weeks for a new behavior to really be established, so practice and reward consistently! For more information regarding anxiety in adolescent girls and women visit the blog section of my website at www.mgelman.com

Posted on

Time Outs for Everyone

As a parent of three young children, the days of time outs are not far behind me. What I find interesting is how this behavioral tactic is so useful for children and adults of all ages. When Time Outs are used with self-soothing techniques (ways to calm yourself down), the road to compromise with your offending partner is not so bumpy! But how do you know when to take a Time Out during a disagreement?

John Gottman talks about this important break in his book ”And Baby Makes Three”. The first important step is identifying what you are feeling and if you are becoming flooded. Yes – just like your basement flooding or sadly the Titanic, but it happens more quickly and is felt differently across gender lines.

For some people they may feel:

  • Knots in their stomachs
  • Jaw tightening
  • Changes in their breathing patterns
  • Freezing/or difficulty moving

Gottman describes this as a tidal wave of physiological sensations: called Diffuse Physiological Arousal: DPA. When we are in this state, our reasoning, hearing, and rational self are altered. Thus the fight or flight sensation is activated. According to Gottman, we must then know to take a break and calm down in order to effectively navigate (and compromise) within the argument. If not, we end of saying and doing things that we often regret later. Sound familiar?

Gottman believes that we need to first understand and recognize the signs of DPA so that it does not suck us into a vortex of an alarmist state ’ ready and mobilized for action! Taking this break has to happen before the flooding. It is also important to indicate when you will resume talking about the issue at hand. It is recommended at least a half an hour, but not more than one day.

During that time, our systems have calmed down and we will be better able to compromise with our partner, child, and co ’worker. The details of the time out (the identified mutually agreed upon sign that a break is needed, for how long and can we commit to this ritual) with a partner / child can be discussed during calm times before a heated discussion.

With outside people, one can simply say ”it seems as though we don’t agree, why don’t we talk about this situation later when we can have some time to think about it?” .

Don’t forget to calm yourself down when the time out is happening. Some clients of mine write, other listen to music, exercise, and take deep breathes. This part of the ritual must happen or you won’t be ready or able to do the next big step: compromise!

Try this method out! You will be surprised how well it works.

Posted on

Best Way to Communicate Issues

Dr. John Gottman’s describes one way to communicate difficult feelings within a couple is by utilizing what he calls the slow start up. I have found the process also helpful within families, with children, in the workplace, and amongst friends. Gottman believes it is all about the way we begin verbalizing our feelings and needs.

Now we all have found ourselves in situations where we approach our partners “guns” firing in all directions. Usually the person responds defensively with criticism, real contempt, defensiveness or they stonewall us. I think we can all recall where we have been on both sides of this type of argument.

I support Gottmans’s belief that if you begin communicating your needs in a “soft” way the message is better received. Describe the situation neutrally, using “I” statements and state what we need — not what we are NOT getting. That is like stab in the heart.

So: Say what you are feeling

Describe the problem neutrally — but don’t blame the other person

Say what you need

Ready to try it out?

Posted on

Reclaiming Parental Authority with your Adolescent

Dr. Ron Taffel’s recent book Breaking through to Teens explores I think an important new way to change a parent’s communication and relationship pattern with their adolescent. I continue to see in my practice the ongoing struggle parents have with setting and holding limits with their adolescents. We have all heard it before — adolescents challenging curfews, refusing to turn in homework at school or go to school, and hanging out with the wrong crowd.

Often I see parents who are held hostage, by their own fear to show their true authority. Parents often report if they hold the line and take away the phone, etc… their adolescent won’t talk to them again, will become more oppositional etc… Taffel believes that parents really need to first identify what they are really afraid of in order to really develop an authentic authority within your family.Some parents report they have fears that their teen won’t go to college if they are not doing well in school, or will die in a car accident or will be harmed if out past their curfew.

By sharing these fears with your teen, Taffel believe that you express your authentic self — thus showing teens you have feelings/fears too. Parents are then seen as less of the rule maker, but more a 3 dimensional self. A real person with feelings. Shocking I know. A teen may be more willing then to share their fears with you.

Adolescents have fears as well — some very intense — but often they worry about their standing “online”, how they are in “second family” — their friends and their academic success. The second family — their peer group — is very important to adolescents.

What usually happens in families is an ineffective pattern develops around the two fears. This pattern does not solve any issues and can actually damage the relationship. By identifying the pattern, talking about fears, where they originated, a new dance can be constructed and a relationship saved. In therapy, I help teens and their families understand where the family is stuck. This is the difficult part, but necessary to seeing where the communication is ineffective. I agree with Taffel that parents should talk about rules with adolescents, but with the addition of expressing feelings and fears behind them. Parents might be surprised at the outcome.